Hacksaw's Tech Support |
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The world is full of stupid people.... What happens when you take an Texan biker, and put him behind a tech support number? You get tales of idiocy, or course...
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Saturday, February 17, 2001
muhaha this couple just called about their daughter....they downloaded surfwatch cyberpatrol to keep her off bad sites..and it LOCKED them out of their own computer..i mean locked too...i had em boot in safe mode to maybe config the prog not to load..it detects tampering and says CYBERPATROL TAMPERING DETECTED SAFE MODE DISABLED...rolf they have to wait all weekend to get ahold of surfwatch techs too they are closed on weekends...the kids 17 and was sending pics out to people apparently...doh just use bios password i suggested:) - Discuss this post- Friday, February 16, 2001
. "The End-of-my-tether User": Userus adlimitus This is the angriest but, perversely, often the easiest to deal with. After spending weeks attempting to resolve their own queries, they finally swallow their pride and call the help desk. Calls from this type of user usually end in one of three ways: The problem's solution can be found simply by reading page 1 of his instruction manual, which, of course, the caller has not done.
The I-don't-want-to-hear-that! User": Userus headinsandia This is a rather curious species. They call, ask a question, and if they don't hear what they want, they take it personally. I always wonder why they ask, if they don't want to know the answer. It does not seem to matter that what they want is not possible. All they want is to hear the answer they're looking for. - Discuss this post-
The Just-testing User": Userus gustulata "The Just-testing User" is not even using a computer but wants to test your knowledge and, if possible, trip you up. The best technique for dealing with this species is by answering questions with "I don't know." They cannot deal with this straight capitulation. Most Just-testing users would love the chance to show your boss how useless you are or how little you know. They are thrilled when you give a wrong answer and will crow about it incessantly - Discuss this post-
The Paranoid User": Userus newbigata "Paranoid Users" are convinced that the computer has an intelligence of its own and is out to get them. The machine is constantly doing something that causes a problem. The computer will maliciously alter their documents, obliterate all references to their passwords, and lose work they have saved. If a machine is ever going to break down, it will be while being used by a Paranoid. This species' one saving grace is determination. They never give up, as much as you wish they would. - Discuss this post-
The Train Spotter": Userus geekissimus "The Train Spotter" is most often the offspring of an Expert and a Fiddler. These callers are usually harmless and don't have many computer problems. What they do have is an IT magazine, which they have read from cover to cover. The Train Spotter will invariably corner an unsuspecting help desk tech and proceed to bore the tech rigid by sharing their knowledge. The main difference between Train Spotters and other callers is that Train Spotters do not usually phone the help desk; they visit in person. I'm not quite sure what they want from the help desk, but they take up a lot of time asking various questions about new innovations, about which I usually know nothing. I have found no explanation for the existence of this user other than that the Expert and Fiddler conceived the Train Spotter on a trip to a computer trade fair.
The Fiddler": Userus manipulata The motto of "The Fiddler" is: "I wonder what happens if...." I've placed these callers next because they are the most closely related to the Expert. These callers don't realize that some files actually make their computers work. If they don't recognize a file as one of their own, they delete it and are surprised when something then stops working. Unlike the Expert, they don't say anything about the problem; you only discover it months later from a casual remark, such as, "Oh no, that hasn't worked for ages. I meant to call you." Fiddlers are usually very sharp people—who will drive you insane. - Discuss this post-
the 10 most dangerous species of help desk callers The Expert": Userus expertia "The Expert" user is the curse of most IT support establishments. Experts try out something they heard about from "the bloke in the pub," an unqualified expert on everything who offers advice to anyone who will listen. Experts usually make a complete mess of their systems when they follow the bloke's advice. Then they compound the problem by trying to fix it themselves, often destroying their machines. As a last resort, they call the help desk and demand that their machines be replaced or mended immediately, as they have urgent work that can't wait. There has been an Expert at every place I have worked. I leave it to you to decide who your resident Expert is - Discuss this post-
never tell the customer the truth...in some parts of california we have had MAJOR problems for over 3 months.."sorry sir.. not only is your connection fucked but we apparently dont plan to fix shit so deal with it or go back to dialup" we always lie.."we have techicians and engineers on the scene repai ring the outage in your area and while we dont have an estimated time of repair..it should be soon" you would think after 2 or 3 months people would wise up and smell the bacon eh? - Discuss this post-
mom is horrified to learn we dont offer filtering software...especially after junior has been crusing the marilyn manson sites and downloading porn pics.."Umm im sorry we are only a provider you will have to raise your own kids mam" shes mad too and vows to cancel service since WE are allowing all this evil content to speedily stream into her household...too bad the kid wasent there or i woulda sent him some choice urls:) - Discuss this post-
"How can i tell whos been on my pc?" well mam you can either password protect it or just read the history in the IE and guess what family member went to which urls:) She clearly saw some unpleasent sites someone had gone to and was ready to crucify either her 16yr old or her husband...helpful chap that i am i sent her to download a lockout program:) - Discuss this post-
Pit Bull Ate My Modem! well thats what he said anyway...ordered a new one and was suprised it was not insured and he was gonna have to pay for a replacement...heard em kick the pooch a few good ones too after i explained - Discuss this post-
yet another crying caller....a woman...upset she hasent been able to get email for a week...i gathered with the service not working her hubby had been "hard to live with" man i need extra pay for counseling...gave her a workaround to get her mail...didnt cheer her up much tho...apparently unlike bein face to face people will just call tech support in ANY emotional state...stoned,drunk, furious or crying through the whole call....one couple called and laughed so hard during the call i couldnt help em cause they drowned me out - Discuss this post- Monday, February 12, 2001
one guys calls today and demands a supervisor...i said no problem..relishing my sup handing him his ass in a handbasket...turns out he really wants a supervisor..like hes STANDING in the LOBBY of AT&T in LA and wants a LIVE one NOW...face to face...hey holmes we are in DALLAS so its unlikely we can get you a face to face meeting ...the guys CRYING,,,i can see him in LA whipping out an uzi and goin postal...so i get him one of OUR supervisors..a girl..who has mucho psych experience calming people down....his service was down 3 days....man is that addiction or what..he cried thru the whole call - Discuss this post-
harried mom calls.."we just got cable 2 days ago and its not working..my sons going crazy" ,,,shes got a 10 year old sone whos cursing madly in the background..and hes not a happy camper..."fuck you mom and him too" you can see im really wanting to help this kid...moms nearly in tears by now and the kids pc takes almost 10 minutes to reboot each time....he has 22 applications trying to start at bootup and is screaming he WONT cut any or em off. I tell mom tell him to calm down or i will personally nuke his pc....he shuts up and i have him online in 20 minutes still screaming as i hang up...man waht a case for retroactive abortion if i ever seen one - Discuss this post- |
