The world is full of stupid people....

What happens when you take an Texan biker, and put him behind a tech support number?

You get tales of idiocy, or course...

THE WAITING GAME!

Got plenty of customers, but no product? No problem! With these helpful customer service tips, your support agents will keep customers swinging in the wind indefinitely until your product or service is actually available!

THE VIRTUAL CUSTOMER SERVICE REP!

The Virtual Customer Service Rep is perfect for those companies that don't have the resources to hire and train a team of real humans to handle those pesky customer inquiries!

The Virtual Customer Service Rep responds to each customer comment or question with that caring voice that lets the customer know that he's being heard, that he matters, and — most importantly — that the future of the company lies in his hands alone!

Voice- and mood-activated, The Virtual Customer Service Rep has four settings — Empathetic, Full of Useful Information, Full of Childlike Wonderment, and Full of Shit.

Empathetic

"I can understand how you'd be frustrated."
"You sound very upset."
"No problem. Just let me know when you've stopped crying and tearing your hair out, and we'll continue."
Full of Useful Information

"Well, our Cleveland office is so backwards. You wouldn't believe what a mess that place is!"
"Oh! Our system just went down. What a day I'm having!"
"California! Is it raining there? It's raining here. It's been raining all week. The weatherman keeps saying we're in for sun, but he's been wrong day after day, and I keep forgetting my umbrella!"
"Oh! Your account information just disappeared. At least it's Friday, know what I mean?!!"
Full of Childlike Wonderment

"Your name isn't coming up. I wonder what's going on!"
"That's strange. I wonder why they're not picking up in that department. Maybe there was a bomb threat!"
"I wonder why it's taken so long to process your order. It almost never takes so long. I wonder why you should have to suffer more than most people. I wonder why God hates you so much!"
Full of Shit

"You canceled the order. It says so right here."
"Actually, you're SPEAKING to the owner of the company. I'M the owner of the company. I'm very rich."
"Someone's going to call you back within the hour."
"Everything's taken care of."

posted by Hack Saw at 1:54 PM- Discuss this post-

(report from the trenches)damn..you got a cable modem..everything works GREAT (a fuckin-mazingly) and your biggest concern...the most daunting horror you can imagine...is NOT being ABLE to ASSCESS the RoadRunner Local Homepage...i get loads of old folks callin when they cant load their precious roadrunner startpage..they think the ENTIRE internet is down and dont even try other sites...jeez if our homepage is down the world has ENDED!!! by god i must call technical support and inform them of this abomination! With the enormity of entertaiment and content on the web you would think people maybe used somthing other than our lousy homepage to link to it. "But i cant get to CNN with the homepage down to get my news" ever think of maybe typin in WWW.CNN.COM you morons?? "your" internet is down one woman proclaims angerly...wtf OUR internet???
posted by Hack Saw at 6:59 PM- Discuss this post-